Letters of the Mind_Entry 1_Week 30

For thirty weeks I have been faithful to writing on this blog.

For thirty weeks I have literally felt the need to rip my hair out in frustration.

And for thirty weeks I have yet to produce something actually worth reading, and something worth sharing.

Something that I feel is a tangible and a realistic part of who I am, what I think, and why I do the things that I often do. But I can't seem to put into words every idea that has ever crossed the vast universe that is my mind- I have trouble putting into words situations, relationships, feelings, emotions, and the very essence of life itself.

I hate that more than I could ever explain with twenty- six letters and an innumerable amount of words.

Perhaps I should write about what I have learned over the course of this week? Since it is only Monday, I will backtrack to my weekend adventure in the woods.

I went hiking with two of my friends, and halfway to our destination point, we came across a lone puppy who had been separated from its owner. We dialed the phone number on the dog's tag, and got in contact with a young man by the name of "Slava". As we were about to exchange addresses to return the dog, Slava's roommate walked by and realized whose dog was with us. The roommate's name was Alex, a young hippy who wore a tie-dye shirt and a straw hat adorned with a wild flower. He thanked us for our kindness, and proceeded to take the puppy back in the general direction of the national forest's parking lot.

I'm not sure what one can learn from such a story, except that puppies are the cutest creatures known to man, and that hippies apparently have roommates whose name sounds like "saliva".

Virtues_Entry 1_week 29

Sometimes I look up at the sky and wonder about what lies ahead of me. I think about the world and the people that live in it. I think of how people fight to be independent of society and each other when, realistically, they were already born as individuals- not cloned robots. I think of how every little occurrence can later become a conspiracy or a regret or a simple memory. I think of the past and what I did and look into the future with a faint heart and a conscience that is telling me that nothing is as it should be.

My parents told me that when I first came into the world, all I did was smile. I did not cry and I did not try to fight the world. I took it all in- the doctors, the bright lights, the room, and my parents. If I had been a boy my name would have been Benjamin, but God decided to make me a girl that would one day question the reason behind her existence. Born into a Christian home with Christian values can make any child inwardly rebellious and angry at the world when it tries to shape and mold her into someone she does not want to be.

In middle school, we were assigned an art project that involved researching the meaning behind our names. My friends were christened as a “pretty flower” or “beloved” or even a “princess”. According to the dictionary, I was “son of Kenneth; prince”. Of all people, why did my name have to mean that? After that mortifying experience, I was sure that my life was some sort of sick joke.

Society claims that our name and our appearance is what defines our identity. Sex and drugs and alcohol and parties and lies and cheating and failure and money is what this generation has been slapped in the face until our lips are crusted over with blood and our eyes are painted black and blue.

Our generation has become numb to all of our senses. We are helpless and only have one concern: ourselves. We are unable to sympathize with the emotions of others. We do not know how to help or support them. We have forgotten how to be honest and instead fill our mouths with lies and spit repulsive words into each other’s face.

I want that to stop.

Rid yourself of hate and anger and the desire for revenge. Replace it with empathy so as to be able to give consolation rather than misery.

Learn to accept rather than to despise your body along with your flaws because there will never be another you.

Always respect yourself. Do not bother to poison your body with drugs and alcohol and profanity and sex. I am not here to tell you what you can and cannot do with your body- it is your property. But remember that you can never get another one.

Glorify the successes of others rather than your own victories. One day you will receive the reward that comes from hard work alone. No one has bragging rights. Remember that people will see your talents through your actions and will be deaf to your words.  

You will only get what you give. Remain considerate despite differing personal views and opinions because when will two people ever think alike? Humans are like snowflakes… each one has its own intricate design.

Have the courage to overcome your fears and to always follow what you know to be true. Never compromise.

Persevere despite life’s disappoints and know that there is always a lesson to be learned from your mistakes.

Always speak the truth. Lying only leads to doubt and anguish.

I am not trying to be different because I already am. If you feel like a misfit, if you feel like a nobody… know that you are somebody. Somebody that can change the world for the better.

Society can leave us feeling worthless and religion and family and friends can attempt to define who we are, but hope always remains to give us the choice to choose. To choose our own virtues as well as our own vices.

When you step out into the world, the real world, and get a taste of its bitterness, remember to always smile. Smile like a newborn that hasn’t a single clue of what is to come. Because honestly- you don’t. And besides, smiling never hurt anyone. 

Sail Away_Entry 1_Week 28

I think that, sometimes, we let the worse of us get the best of us. I know I allow that to happen too often- sometimes it's on a daily basis, and other times it only occurs once in a while. But I don't like when it comes around, because it comes in waves caused by an ocean of emotions and self- hatred. A tsunami of self- inflicted pain and guilt rages inside of me, and oftentimes I am not quite sure how to deal with it... at least in a healthy manner.

I want to be happy, loving, and kind, but I feel that I am incapable of such things because of my eating disorder, my depression, and my self-harm/ suicidal tendencies... even if I have taught myself to get through such things. It is not an impossible feat to accomplish- it is just difficult.

I'm not putting my story out there to receive pity or sympathy- I just want you, me, really anyone- to know that you will be okay. And I am not referring to the kind of "okay" that just magically occurs from doing nothing- you have to do something; you have to have the desire to heal and to persevere through whatever you are going through in order to crawl out of the hole you are in. Once you've hit rock bottom, the only way out is up- we just have to be willing to climb.

We all deal with some form or another of a storm in our life- but I encourage you to never put up the white flag of defeat. The only flag you should ever allow yourself to put up is the sail on your ship that directs you towards safety, and a happy life.

Because, sometimes, we need to know when it is time to sail away.